Commonly at the clinic, a boy, seven to ten years old, will head down the hall into the bathroom, do his business for 10-20 seconds, open the door and head back down to mom, who will ask, “Did you wash your hands?” The answer is usually “Yes” despite the fact that everyone involved knows that there is no way on earth that kid’s stone-dry hands got washed in the amount of time he was in the bathroom.

I don’t know exactly how old I was when my mother left me in charge of my own hygiene. It was about the age of those pee-handed boys, and like them, I was not worthy of her trust. I’m sure for a while I was, and followed the rules like a good boy being given responsibility, but that’s not what I remember. What I remember is a period of time, probably when I was nine or ten, when I would go through an increasingly elaborate facade of taking a bath, all to avoid taking a bath. LIke all kids, I was convinced that my ruse was working, and I am guessing that I fooled no-one. Obviously the stakes were low enough that allowing me to “have my way” was fine. 

The wild thing is that by the end, I would get undressed and sit at the far edge of the tub while the shower ran.  I would estimate the five or so minutes it would take by pantomiming the actions, then rub a trace amount of water onto my skin and towel after turning the water off, so all the evidence would align if checked. I have no recollection if I made sure to wet the soap as well, which might have been a failure point in the scheme. 

A “famous” medical study from 2001 showed that at least some of my idiocy is chromosomal. It showed that male medical personnel washed their hands less often than women did. I sure hope that pattern has changed since publication, especially now, but I doubt it. A study published in May showed that men were much less likely to wear a mask, because they perceived mask-wearing as “shameful, uncool, and a sign of weakness.” You just know that some of those dudes are pretending to bathe by standing outside a running shower reading their phones every night.