A stranger stands over me. I’m somewhere around 10 years old. “Well, I can’t fix his hearing. If you want, though, I can pin his ears back.” This is the first time I have ever thought “Fuck you” to an adult.

I was born deaf in my right ear. I have a medical degree now, and I still just think of it as “nerve-deafness” which is what my mother, or my doctor explained it as, when I was a kid. My real doctor. Not that dick who took the opportunity to stigmatize my prominent, sticky-outy ears. My sticky-outy ears are why someone in my family referred to me as looking like a sugarbowl (old-timey ones have a handle on both sides), and why “big ears” was probably the most common insult hurled at me growing up – aren’t kids great. I can’t say I liked being made fun of any more than any other kid would, but let’s be honest, “big-ears” is pretty weak sauce as insults go, so I have no complaints. I’ve always thought I have a striking resemblance to Charlie Brown, so I’ve got that going for me. I got one ear stuck on a fence once, but that’s about the worst. Still, fuck you, doc.

Now my non-stereo existence is far more significant. It’s the reason I couldn’t get an appointment a military academy, and follow in my brother’s footsteps. I think we can all agree that’s both a metaphorical and literal bullet dodged there. It’s the reason some of you know which side of me to stand/sit/walk on, if you expect me to understand a thing you say. One girlfriend thought I was a real gentleman because I always put myself on the street side of any sidewalk whenever we walked anywhere. She assumed it was me trying to “protect her” from traffic, until much later when she understood it was because I can’t hear anything.  If you’ve ever seen me spin around in slow circles, like a lighthouse, when you call my name across the cafeteria, mall, grocery store, or open campus, now you know why. 

To this day my wife, STILL has a tendency to respond “in here” when I call her name, not quite remembering how she’s torturing me. It’s really fun when I misplace my phone, try to figure out which room’s smoke alarm is low. Oh, it also saves a ton of money on stereo speakers and headphones, but it makes movies and video games annoying when they pipe the sound into different speakers for effect. You have no idea how many dramatic moments I only hear half of.